So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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