Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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