so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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