dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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