So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
