we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
