Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
