i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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