Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
