WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
