Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I cannot find my penis.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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