drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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