i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
