life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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