Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
