I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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