I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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