Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
