I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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