My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
