I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
