so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
