He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Randomize
