Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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