it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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