She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
