Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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