why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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