Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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