I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
