I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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