How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
