just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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