Porn is love you can see.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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