No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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