you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
