You can't special order awesome
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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