I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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