Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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