Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
