are you still at the devil's house?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
someone owes me an orgasm
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
