I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
