Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
