fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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