I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
