Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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