Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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