I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
