i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
