i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He has the fingertips of a God
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
